Prayed Upon

Approximately two years ago, I started telling people about another significant part of my life. For two years before that, only a few trusted friends knew I worked four jobs and that one involved providing personal assistance to someone with quadriplegia. What began as a part-time job has become a core feature of my life -- and identity. I'm still sorting through why I decided not to talk much about this until relatively recently.

With the exception of one published piece, I haven't written about it, either. For one thing, I've been busy writing about other things, but I suspect the really real reason is that I just wasn't ready. Hearing from Elizabeth has prompted me to start writing about disability issues from my perspective as a PA, and with the blessing of the person I assist.

Elizabeth is a smart cookie. She figured out I'm a PA and after reading some of my blog posts, asked that I comment on the following:

Christians tend to pester me about not praying for healing enough or they stop talking to me because my life now is so different from what it was, but say, "I'll pray for you" which sort of sounds like "see you later....like never" because I've heard it so many times. Several have gotten quite angry because I say that I believe that God's hand is doing this -- that I believe in many ways that God has prepared and strengthen me for becoming disabled. Can't say I know why! But many seem very frustrated that there are not exact answers, that I get sicker or that I am in more pain and there seems no meaning to it.

You mean "some" Christians, yes? I offer this to start: I'll pray that you meet good Christian folk who won't pester you about "not praying for healing enough." Good Lord. If you have the energy the next time this happens, please consider asking whether the person is talking about you being healed or cured. While you're at it, try asking whether they're talking about disability or illness. These are not the same, although illness may indeed lead to disability. In either event, it's possible to be healed in mind and spirit while the body is disabled -- or even terminally ill.

I write this with confidence, based on my experience providing hospice care in the past, my current role as a PA to one of the most spiritually healthy people I've ever met, as well as my own 20+ year dance with a chronic, incurable-but-not-life-threatening and sometimes debilitating physical illness.

In my own situation, a turning point came at a retreat when, during Mass, in response to reciting, "Only say the word, Lord, and I shall be healed," I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "You already are healed, you just don't know it." That I didn't also hear, "you idiot," proves it was the H.S. My overwrought psyche would have engaged in such negative self-talk.

Your ability to see God's hand in what's happening as you become more sick and disabled is not only evidence of grace but of your own spiritual maturity. I'm not surprised that you have trouble explaining your deep knowing (e.g., God's hand). Mystery defies easy explanation.

As for interpreting, "I'll pray for you" as dismissive, you may be correct. But not always. Sometimes, saying "I'll pray for you" has about as much authenticity as asking, "How are you?" Having caught myself doing this, I vowed to write out my prayers in a journal so I could see if I had, in fact, prayed as promised. Very illuminating or, as some Christians would say, convicting!