Monday, September 20, 2010

White Communion Wafer Dispenser

May those other copywriters find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I cannot resist offering interlinear comments on some of the copy describing a product now available to clergy (although apparently out of stock) ─ the White Communion Wafer Dispenser.

Ready? And away we go!

No germs. No spills. No waste.
Thanks be to God, because spilling or wasting Jesus would make Jesus weep. Germs would make Jesus sneeze.

Use this Communion Wafer Dispenser during the cold and flu season to prevent the passing of germs, or use it all year long to reduce the cost, time and personnel needed to provide communion by as much as 50 percent . . .
Especially if your One True Church does not condone laity, women, or both to provide communion except under extraordinary circumstances, although perhaps the flu season would qualify as an extraordinary circumstance?

The revolutionary Rapid Re-load System™ dispenses up to 140 wafers without having to be re-filled, while being fast and easy when you do need to re-load.
140 wafers? What is this, Eucharist Goes Tweet? Who chose this number? It's not even a multiple of three. Lord, have mercy.

It uses re-sealable clear plastic tubes of wafers. Tubes have a plastic plug to seal out air and moisture, increasing the shelf-life of unused wafers.
Just in case your church or the clergy who serve it are unable to convey the promise of Eternal Life.


  1. Do you think it will be available in a drive through version? The funny (or sad) thing is that it is out of stock!!!

  2. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that someone actually sells (or at least once sold) this item.

    My eyes are still rolling...

    And clearly if someone were thinking, it would contain 153 wafers (Jn 21:11)

  3. What's worse are little thimble-sized plastic cups topped with a wafer. Peel off the first layer to get to the wafer, then peel the next to get to the grape juice. Arghhhh.

    I hadn't been able to go to Mass at the parish on the weekends because I was working at the prison. Now that I can, I realized one Sunday there was a new smell in the church. Took me a while to track it down. Giant bottles of hand sanitizer, strategically placed so you can goop your hands just before making the final turn in the communion line. Sigh.

  4. Mr. McGuire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
    Benjamin: Yes, sir.
    Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
    Benjamin: Yes, I am.
    Mr. McGuire: Plastics.


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